I spent the day after Mother’s Day helping our hoof trimmer. Since our herd is relatively small, we do not have sort gates and chutes that maneuver cows in a different direction when needed. The hoof trimmer does have gates we can use to convert the parlor to a chute, but the cows still must be herded in a different direction than they are used to going. Most of them will go without a lot of hesitancy, but every now and then, there is one who decides she is not going to go that way.
Athena was the one this month. She is a very tall heifer who isn’t fresh yet and wasn’t even used to going into the parlor, let alone the chute. She stood in the back of the holding pen until she was the very last animal in there. When I tried to move her into the entrance, she would turn to get away from me. Every time she turned, she would slip out and fall. I put sand down to keep her from sliding, but she still fought going into the parlor. I had a herding stick, but even so, every time I got close to her, she would turn and run right through me to get where she thought she needed to go. At one point, she even acted like she was going to jump the holding pen gate to get into the freestall barn.
This went on for what seemed like forever. After about ten minutes, I decided to take her a different route up through the box pen beside the parlor. Even then, she continued to turn around every time I got her to the parlor door. She broke the snap on the gate once to get back into the holding pen and just seemed like she was never going to go into the parlor. But I knew I just needed to outlast her, so I kept calmly turning her back around and trying again. Finally, I stayed back a little bit and let her calm down a little while she was facing the parlor door. Without putting any more pressure on her, she walked into the entrance and then moved easily into the chute.
After Athena went in the chute, I thought to myself about how easy it would have been to just give up. I could have opened the holding pen gate and let her into the freestall barn. She would have been happier, and I wouldn’t have been as tired from trying to anticipate her every move. We would have both been better off, for that day. But what about two weeks or two months from now when her feet would start to get sore? Or better yet, what about when she has her first calf and needs to come into the parlor to get milked? If I let her have her way this time, how much harder would she be to corral then?
Giving in versus letting go
Think about all the times in our lives when we were in a similar situation and had to decide whether to just give up or keep trying. As a parent, we are faced with this situation all the time – do we give into that toddler who is upset because she didn’t get the toy she wanted? Do we let our 4-Her quit because he didn’t get the placing he wanted? What about our teenager who wants to stay out later than the curfew we have set? Or the high schooler who is so sick of school that he just wants to quit? What if we had just given up and let them have their way? Would anyone be better off in the long run?
I recently heard someone say that patience is the act of letting go. We all have this expectation of how we think a situation should unfold. Our toddler will be perfectly behaved in the grocery store. Our 4-Her will always win in the show ring. Our teenager will follow all our rules, and our high schooler will get straight As. The reality is that only some or none of those expectations will come true.
It’s like that in every aspect of our life – as a parent, as a spouse, in our careers and with our friendships. If we get frustrated and give up every time a situation doesn’t go the way we want, we walk through life never feeling satisfied. If we let go of those expectations and learn to accept that we are not always in control, we might see the world in a more positive light. Developing that sense of patience helps us become more resilient and more capable of bending, not breaking, every time life hands us something difficult.
Fostering patience
I thought about what my experience with Athena taught me about fostering patience in myself and in those around me. I also thought about how much better I felt when I stayed calm and patient with her, instead of getting frustrated and upset because she was not doing what I wanted. Here are a couple of things she taught me that day:
- Model patience. If I had lost my temper that day and yelled at her, Athena would have gotten more frightened. She could have hurt herself or me. By staying calm and being patient with her, it helped her calm down and trust me more. The same is true when you are working with people.
- Keep expectations reasonable. Athena was a heifer who had never been in the parlor before. It wasn’t reasonable for me to expect her to not be scared when she was coming into the parlor, especially with all the noise at the trimming table. How often do we have unreasonable expectations for life and for those around us?
- Practice empathy. Too often we only look at situations from our perspective. Athena was not trying to ruin my day. She was genuinely scared. Before you lose patience with someone else, take a minute to remember that it’s probably not about you. Everyone is going through something hard. Consider asking someone what’s going on before you assume the worst.
How often in life are we faced with situations – or relationships – that test us and make us feel like giving up? In reality, it’s up to each of us to decide whether we will be better or worse if we walk away. In the case of Athena, letting her out would not have been the best thing for her or for our farm. By letting go of control and calmly helping her find her way, I was able to help both of us find the outcome we wanted – her feet were trimmed, and she was happy back in her pen.
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